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1. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
2. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.
3. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.
4. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.
5. Get plenty of firearms practice.
6. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.
7. Never be the first one to charge the hero.
8. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent. Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand, too.