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Recently, the Society of Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, devoted worshippers, and loyal infantry. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Evil Henchmen.
DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It is, however, intended to offend those who think that nuclear missiles are deployed because of their phallic appearance. Nyah.
I. General tips for henchmen of all varieties:
1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!
2. When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.
3. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off.
4. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.
5. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.
6. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with just a little community service time, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.
7. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?
8. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will *not* try to stop her.
9. Learn where the trap door is in the Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.
10. While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it?
11. As soon as the evil lord has the hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.
12. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all- expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.
13. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.
14. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.
15. If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
16. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.
17. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
18. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
19. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the hero is winning.