Rap-tap-tap, my door was shut

But still she came in earnest,

Wide-eyed and sincere

And there were things that we both knew

That didn’t happen, here.

We bantered, bartered, shared but

Realized we had naught to give

Nothing that was ours.

We would be chosen, would not choose

But then would we have peace.

I sat in darkness, thinking,

She was gone and I alone,

Lonely thinking, I

Conjured a face, a passive face

That said, perhaps, I’m wrong.

She wanted to talk, so I gave her a precious few breaths and heartbeats, waiting, curious, terrified when I saw her plan. Sit down, smile, break the news. What am I supposed to do? Oh God, another complication. Another turn of the tightened screw. I looked back and laughed without laughter. Ah, impenetrable confusion stalks on tiger’s silence, envelopes like saran wrap, honey-sticky. And instead of thinking, I remembered hugging him, and that I always turn my head to the right. And I remembered hugging others. Bare skin beneath my fingers, ears, necks, noses, chests, smooth, stubbly cheeks, sighs and eyes and smiles and innocence. And then the bloom of lusty flame, impatient, sweeping away all doubt. But faces, pleading eyes return and she is there, and another he, whispering in my cerebrum, and HE is there, not lost by distance, THERE and HE reminds me not to forget. And we are happy and he gently clasps my hand and I feel safe. But he doesn’t like HIM and HE doesn’t like him. And she is looking at me expectantly and all I can say is what I’ve said all day and all night, "I don’t know." And so she leaves and I drowse back in my chair and watch the ceiling fan wiggle its way to the floor.

Copyright © 1998, Jennifer Bidlingmeyer, Dragonet Designs, All Rights Reserved.