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Once upon a time in a land far, far away...well, not that far away...I mean, not far at all, from where I'm sitting...ok, it happened in East Lansing, Michigan. Anyway, there were these people in East Lansing, called Mason/Abbot Hall Night Receptionists, and they had God-like powers. Wielding the mighty ID scanner and the Housing Manual of Everyone's Names, they wait the night through for serious problems to arise, that they might solve them.
On one particular night, the night of which I am about to give a recounting, several of these powerful beings were gathered in the Lobbies of Mason and Abbot Halls. In the silence of the peaceful early morning hours, the phone rang out. One of the mighty NR's answered it.
"Hello? Yes? You're sure? I see. Yes, we'll take care of it."
"What was that?" asked the other NR eagerly. She was anxious to meet a new test of her NR powers. "Do we need to call the police? The fire station? The Grad?"
Who needs the Grad?" asked the being so named. "What is going on?"
"A call," replied the other, more experienced NR to the almighty Grad. "There's a guy on 3 Abbot who's wearing blue shorts...WAS wearing blue shorts..." She paused. "He's nekkid and throwing cheese at people."
"I'll take care of it," said the Grad, puffing up to her full, imposing and subtantial height of almost a full 5 feet.
"Shouldn't we call the police?" asked the young, inexperienced NR, a bit put out, as this was her first weekend with the Power.
"No, I'm sure I can take care of it," said the Grad.
"Alright," said the young NR, doubtfully.
The Grad left, and they two NR's sat in silence for a moment. The older one stared at the phone a moment. "They said they could see his 'shwanker'," she said finally.
"Shwanker? That's a new one to me..." said the young NR, thoughtfully. "You sure we shouldn't call the cops?"
"The Grad's tough. She can take care of things," said the other NR, hesitantly. Her hand edged toward the phone. An hour passed and soon, the Grad returned. She was covered in cheese.
"He hit the wall and the cheese came flying..." was all she said before she collapsed.
"What do we do now?" asked the young NR.
"I'm sure she took care of it," said the experienced NR, hurriedly. "Good luck, kid. It's 3 am. My shift is over." She left, whistling merrily. From the stairwell, she could hear her companion singing, "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to bed I go..."
With a sigh, the young NR plopped down in the scanner's chair and opened a pop can. Glancing at the fallen Grad masquerading as nacho-dip, she propped her feet on the reception desk and leaned back, closing her eyes. The air lock remained quiet and the phone did not blink. Softly, she began to snore.
She awoke to the sound of a pounding on the doors at 5:30 am. It was the newspaper. After reading the comics and the horoscope, she turned to the police reports. Startled, she sat up. Underneath six listings of air-bag thefts, was a small blurb about a naked man on the third floor of Abbot Hall, North wing. Someone had done her job!
She ran to the door of the elder NR and pounded. "Look!" she cried. "Look at this!"
"Yeah, so?" the young NR continued to point at the paper. "Look, I know the guy. He would never do such a thing."
"But the Grad..."
"Look. He wasn't nekkid in the hall. Just his room. And he wasn't throwing cheese. He dropped it."
"But the report says he was naked. And the Grad..."
"Look, I said he didn't do it. Don't worry yourself about it..." snapped the NR. The young NR was taken aback. Something odd was definitely happening...she vowed to investigate.
On another night, the young NR sat with another experienced NR who had an alternate identity as a Caf Supervisor during the strange hours known to some as daylight. They spent a mostly-quiet evening, until the tree arrived. Armed with an ID and several gallons of cheap alcohol, a resident walked into the Lobby.
"I have a tree," he said.
"You can't bring that in," warned the elder NR.
But the tree-hugger was prepared. He reached deep into his pockets and whipped out a business card. On it was a rather shakily drawn pencil portrait of the tree and a name--which, strangely enough, was "Tree".
"It has an ID," he said, almost lucidly. "I'll sign it in..."
The two NR's looked at each other and shrugged. the younger NR passed the 'Resident Guest-Book' across the table, and the tree-hugger signed for Tree.
An hour passed. The Grad came down the stairs. "Why did you let the tree in?" she asked, exasperated.
"It had an ID," said the elder NR.
"He signed it in," piped up the younger.
"It's a fire hazard," she said wearily.
"Right," said the elder.
"Note:" said the younger, writing in the Book of Night Receptionists, "Do not allow residents to sign in trees, even if they have valid ID's."
The Grad left. Soon after, the tree-hugger returned. He snuck across the Lobby and climbed into the window, pulling the curtains closed behind him. A look passed between the NR's and at a nod from her elder, the younger walked over to the window and peeked behind the curtain. The tree-hugger was standing on the sill,pressed to the cold glass, making a desperate, fish-out-of-water face.
"What are you doing?" asked the young NR.
"Hiding from the pizza-guy. He's bringing my pizza. Shhh..."
"Why don't you come down from there?" she asked.
"Ok, I'll come sit with you," said the tree-hugger amicably. He moved to the reception desk and sat quietly for a moment. "So, did they yell at you about the tree?" he asked.
"Not really," said the elder NR. "Just said it was a fire hazard."
"No more than my matress is!" exclaimed the tree-hugger. "My freaking dresser has more dry wood in it than that tree."
"He's got a point," agreed the young NR. The elder NR shrugged and looked to the doors. The pizza guy had arrived.
The tree-hugger paid for his pizza and left, and the NR's returned to their respective naps...
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